AMERICA: WOOOOOOOOOOOO *WAVES GLOWSTICKS*
INVESTORS: *LE OVERSPECULATION*
JAY GATSBY: BUT I LOVE YOU DAISY
*LE MARKET CRASH*
F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: STUPID ASS DECADE
So I thought I’d take the blog’s virginity with my absolute favorite Emperor, Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus, better known as Caligula, which means “little boots” in Latin.
There’s a lot that can be sad about Caligula. And by a lot, I mean incest, murder, cross-dressing, claiming divinity, orgies, and attempting to appoint his favorite horse as a consul.
One of my favorite Caligula anecdotes, however, involves one of his more unique military choices: the time he tried to wage war on Poseidon.
Yeah. Poseidon. The god of the sea.
So Caligula, all hopped up thinking he was a god and shit, was like, “Poseidon thinks he’s a tough motherfucker, but I’m fucking Caligula.”
How is one supposed to battle Poseidon, though, you may ask? Well, Caligula had that all planned out.
He’d march his troops down to the seashore and have them throw their spears in the water. Yeah. That that, Poseidon.
Needless to say, Caligula’s bodyguards got fed up with his bullshit and assassinated him. I dunno. If I went into the Roman army expecting to fight battles, but instead was forced to collect seashells in Gaul so my Emperor could make himself a pretty necklace, I’d be kind of pissed off too.
Welcome to Kijong-Dong.
Nice place, right? It’s lush, scenic, utterly modern… probably one of the nicest cities in all of North Korea.
Wait—North Korea? Okay, something’s got to be wrong here.
Aren’t most North Koreans starving peasants, trying to scrape together a meager living in rural areas of the country? Who could possibly live in this city?
That’s right. No one lives in Kijong-Dong.
Allegedly, the city contains a hospital and several educational buildings, but it’s impossible to know if this is true or not.
There are no visitors allowed inside Kijong-Dong, but with intense scrutinizing via telescope, one can see past the darkened windows, and realzie that the rooms are completely empty. There is no furniture, no bustling families.
Just sheer emptiness.
The city was constructed some time in the 1950’s for the purposes of propaganda in the Korean War. It was the government’s way of saying, “Look at how great we are! Look at this beautiful city! Our economy is doing just dandy!”
Emperor Commodus was the son of Marcus Aurelius, so you’d think he’d be a cool guy, like his dad. Nope.
Most of his atrocities revolve around the gladiatorial games, in places like the Coliseum and the Circus Maximus, something all Romans equally enjoyed. Commodus, however, enjoyed them in a bit of a different way.
It is reported that he had nearly 100 lions massacred a day for his pleasure, and on one occasion gathered up all of the disabled citizens of Rome (people he considered “undesirable”) and forced them to fight each other to the death in the arena.
He was eventually strangled by his favorite wrestler, Narcissus, while he was in the bath. Thank Jupiter.
Charles II of Spain.
Poor Charles was the product of generations and generations of inbreeding. Not only did he have that trademark Habsburg jaw, so severe that he had difficulty eating, and it was nearly impossible to decipher the things he said. However, this was the least of his problems. He was prone to high fevers for no apparent reason and had been breast fed until the age of six and rarely did anything strenuous (it is thought he may have had a bone disease as well), causing him to lead a coddled and backwards life. Most of all, no one had even bothered to educate him, and if they had, it would have been a waste of time.
Charles II was a mess, and Spain was a mess, too, during the years he ruled.
Thank God he was impotent!
Oh, and one more thing: he was related to Joanna the Mad.